Sunday, December 23, 2007

Take your "Bah Humbug" and shove it up your big fat ass!

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,
In the lane, snow is glistening
A beautiful sight,
We're happy tonight.
Bitchin' about how much we hate Christmas!

What? That's not how it goes? The hell you say!

I intended to imbed Joe Pesci's "Take your love and shove it up your big fat ass" as the theme song for this post, but I couldn't find a stream of it. Google it, you'll find it, eventually. It pretty much sums up how I'm feeling about Christmas (and other things) right about now.

What the hell happened to Christmas? It's been over-commercialized, defined as some date with no background that's been defined to mean "peace on earth, happiness" and all that crap, and everybody you see says "Bah Humbug." We've all turned into Scrooges. The "Christmas Spirit" is at an all time low.

What the fuck, people?

Let's straighten a few things out.

1. I'm not Christian, so the "real" meaning of Christmas is more or less pointless to me. An earth spirit was born 2000 years ago, supposedly on December 25th, told everybody to be good to each other, then got nailed to a tree for it. Very sad. Let's move on, bible-thumping soon-to-be-ex-wife notwithstanding.

2. The over-commercialization of Christmas is, I believe where the majority of the ill feelings towards Christmas comes from. Black Friday? What are we shopping for? We fight monstrous crowds trying to find the "perfect" gift, and increase our respective stress levels by enough per capita to power several starving third world countries. Feeling Jolly yet?

3. No matter how many times and in how many forms we cram "A Christmas Carol" down your gullet, you people just don't seem to get it. All I hear is "I hate Christmas. Bah Fucking Humbug."

4. I've got as much reason to hate Christmas this year as anybody. I won't go into details, but it involves death, shattered home life, and various mental instabilities all hitting at once. Figures it be fucking Christmas.

I feel like Clark Fucking Griswold.

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

Jesus Christ, I am Clark Fucking Griswold!

When I was a kid, Christmas was a good thing. I'm sure my parents practically killed themselves trying to make it that way, but dammit I WANT MY CHRISTMAS BACK!.

That's it. I've had it. Say hello to Santa's big-ass helper.


That's right. You worms better get Jolly or else. I'd better start hearing some fucking "Merry Christmas" and I'd better fucking believe it, or I'll shove your "Bah Humbug" so far down your god damned throat, the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come will have to bring a fucking scalpel.

This is you last warning, worms! Get Jolly or Get Your Ass Kicked!

Santanator out.


Restored comments:

Celes said:

Yeah, I kind of felt this way this holiday season. I understand there are lots of negative things that have come about with this holiday- but if you have any control over your own life, why not try to make the best of it? Shit happens no matter what time of the year it is. Eat some cookies and try to get over it already. I know it's over commercialized, but then if you hate that, why not refuse to participate in the commercial aspects you disagree with? Buy and give if you really feel it. If you're giving out of obligation and guilt, it makes the gift pretty worthless.

The Cowboy said:

Hey, you know me. A rant a day... It's not even the commercialization of Christmas that annoys me, I tune that out for the most part. I think it bothers other people, then they take it out on me. That annoys me. Then I rant. Then I feel better and yell less. Well, usually. Not this time. Usually I'm pretty effin Jolly. Ho ho ho.

Just for the record this wasn't in response to any blog post, it was in response to people in my life being pissy, making it harder for me to be so effin Jolly. Sorry if it came off offensively. I have that effect on people.

- CC - said:

Offense? Not I. I wasn't directing that comment at you, I was directing it at those people who have been pissing you off and me off as well with their bellyaching.

No comments:

Post a Comment