Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Occasionally I wish there were a God

So I could flip the fucker off. 

It would be so easy.  Blame all of this shit on God.  Everything in my life that's going wrong, wrong job, wrong wife, God's fault.  Losing my son to the fringe fundamentalists; watching him heading down a path that will waste all the talent and brains he has until it's too late… so much like me… why would God do this to me?  To him?

Spent the best years of my life trying to be somebody I'm not.  Spent my few healthy years living somebody else's dream while my own slipped away… why God why?  Why would you let this happen to me? 

But alas, the answer is all too clear.  I did it to myself.  My rage and anger is properly placed on myself.  I saw the direction things were going at work over a year ago.  I did nothing.  I saw my wife's penchant for fringe fundamentalists over a decade ago when she involved me in a cult.  I let it go.  I saw the increasing insanity of her new fringe religion over a year ago, maybe more.  I've done nothing.  I objected to homeschooling five years ago but she did it anyway.  I let it happen. 

I've completely and utterly failed myself and my children.  The crushing weight of this guilt would be so easy to schluff off on an imaginary supernatural being who was supposed to watch out for me.

Oh how easy it would be to weasel out of my guilt that way.  I suppose that's the last of the God Virus in me, like that cough you have for a week or so after a bad cold.  I find myself wanting to blame somebody else for my own failures, and a God would be such an easy target.  After all, he wouldn't fight back now, would he?

So I sigh and resign myself to the fact if anybody is to blame, it's myself.  I take a deep breath and set about fixing all the things I've let fall to shit.  Here we go.