Thursday, May 31, 2007

Dude, where's my enlightenment?

I'm convinced I've been doing this all wrong, so at 1:00 in the morning I decide to sit down, delete my old blog, and start a new blog nobody will read either. That's okay, this is just a place for me to rant anyway.

Previously the intent of my blog was to chronicle my search for enlightenment through my studies of various religious texts. Screw that. From now on I'm searching for enlightenment through mass alchohol consumption.

I just finished my fourth performance of The Mikado, so as I'm leaving, feeling thouroughly artistic from the performance, I'm harshly brought back to reality by the idiocy of the average Johnson Countyite. Okay, here's a joke. How many stupid Johnson County drivers does it take to make it take 35 minutes to get out of downtown? Four! Yeah, I didn't think it was that funny either. One driver to decide that the middle of the freaking road is a loading zone for his family, and at least three to decide that the middle lane is now a turn lane because, well gosh darnit, they just want it to be.

A little background for those unfamiliar with Kansas City: We've got this little cesspool of narcissistic hedonists called Johnson County, and I live right in the middle of it. It's a relatively rich area for Kansas filled with people who all belive they are the single most important person on the planet, and act accordingly in every aspect of their lives, including how they drive. Most would probably get themselves shot employing those tactics on a East or West Coast highway, but here in the good 'ole Mid-West we tolerate them with a patronizing smile and a wave of the central finger.

Enough about those assholes, I've had a week of hell. There's some twenty four hour stomach flu type thing going around and it just systematically made it's way through my whole family. Now at the end of the week everybody's finally over it, and I'm trying to get the house back in order between performances and work since it looks like the bikers from Weird Science dropped acid and had a four day binger in my living room. Serously, I've never seen it this bad. So at the end of the day all I really want is a beer, because it's been a freakin' hard ass week. Here's stupid Kansas laws for you. It's 11:01 PM, you've just battled your way past all the morons from Johnson County who are confounded by downtown traffic and made it back to your neighborhood, and all you want is to pick up a beer, go home, crack that puppy open, down it and go to bed. No such luck, bucko. The liquor stores close at 11, but the bars are open till 2 in the morning. Who made up this law? Apparently, if you want a beer at 11:01, you've got to find yourself a designated driver or risk the whole DUI thing. And they wonder why people drink and drive! Stupid ass bible belt thinking! I swear, I hate this state some days. All I want is a beer, and I want to drink it in the comfort of my own home so I don't have to arrange for transportation afterwards, I can just go to bed. Screw it. Just went home. Do other states have stupid liquor laws like that, or is it just the bible happy mid freakin west? At least they did away with the no-Sunday sales idiocy, so I can pick up a beer tomorrow.