Sunday, April 27, 2008

American Idiot

We're coming home again

Sometimes platonic love is easy to confuse with romantic love. I do it all the time. Sometimes being somewhere you don't live can unbalance you just enough to make the mistake. Alcohol adds confusion to the mix. Being really far away from home and hopelessly hammered is a recipe for fucking your head up. Guess what I did this last week.

Somebody get me out of here

I've been known to get contemplative after "one of those evenings" where I once again showed incredibly poor judgement, and was surrounded by great people who served as my enablers (e.g. kept buying me alcohol). Throw in a drunk Russian with a knife who wants to fight your Serbian friend, a New York police officer, approximately four Long Island Iced Teas, and the apparently suicidal impulse of wandering off on your own morbidly hammered in a town you don't know and which tends to be a bit crime ridden, and if you got nothing else you've got a great story for the ride home.

You taught me how to live

Then you think back on what happened before you crossed the threshold of good judgement: The part of the evening where you clearly remember what you said and what was said by others. The part where somebody who is absolutely amazing but doesn't know it tells you things you've heard before. Not things about your self-destructive tendencies, but things about how you let others hurt you.

The innocent can never last

You realize that you've given up something crucial about yourself that you never needed to. You're denying who you are because it's inconvenient for someone else. And finally the words strike home because you're hearing it from somebody who is living it. There's no ulterior motive, just someone who can't possibly imagine living the way you are.

The rage and love, the story of my life

Somewhere in this whole confusing mess you make a connection with someone who is a kindred spirit. Someone more like you than anyone else you know, but more than that. Someone who actually is the way you like to think you are, but you're not. This connection confuses you at first. You think you're having feelings you shouldn't be, but then you realize that you're wrong. Somebody just became your inspiration. Somebody who will never know of their importance to you just gave you a spiritual smack upside the head.

She's an extraordinary girl in an ordinary world

So many little things begin to fall into place. Your destination suddenly becomes clear, like you've been walking a road for years and just suddenly realized where you've been heading all this time. Now that you know where you're going, only one thing remains unclear: how to get there.

Wake me up when September ends

You had a source of pain, one nobody knows about but you and the source of your pain. That one dirty secret you've never told anybody. Suddenly it no longer matters. You think you might have even confessed it to your new guardian angel in a drunken stupor. It doesn't matter because she doesn't remember either (at least that's what she told you).

Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me, 'til then I'll walk alone

Sometimes, in order to be true to yourself you have to face fears that can be paralyzing. Fears that have shaped your life until now. Fears that have brought you to a place you never wanted to be. Now you're in a pit and need to find the exit. Maybe somebody out there will lend a helping hand, maybe you've got to go through this all by yourself. I'll have to tell you how it played out when it does.

Nobody likes you everyone left you they're all out without you having fun

Then you sit in an airport in New York with a few friends. You sit and trade drunk stories like high school kids. You've undergone something profound, and nobody here will understand it. You throw a bone their way and tell a drunk story or two, but slowly the realization dawns on you: You're on your own. You can't share what's happening in your head with people who don't have a common frame of reference, and you don't know anybody who does. Suddenly that line from Star Trek IV makes more sense. You feel a bit more alone than you did before.

I don't care if you don't care

I'm a different person than I was at the beginning of the week. It wasn't New York, it was this one amazing person who will never know what she did for me (or would it be to me?). A whole new adventure has opened up before me, I think I'm going to call it life.


Restored Comments

314159 said:
She is an extraordinary woman. She's helped me more than anyone (even her) will ever know as well. I wish logic didn't dictate that it would never work between her and I. Logic sucks. But, I think I will keep my delusion.

With the weight of the hell hole we work in, I didn't know something else was troubling you so badly. You do know that if anyone at that place we toil is a brother it is you. Think of me as a brother who isn't at family reunions to mock whatever is troubling you. If you ever need to talk, seriously talk, I am always available. But I will also understand if you choose to return your new guardian angel for advice.

The Cowboy said:

Dude, I appreciate that, but there's a reason I never confided this in anybody. On the other hand, toss a few Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters down my throat and I'll apparently spill my guts about fucking anything.

I remember my brain wandering off for a bit, probably running back off to the pub for a nightcap, when it got back, it found my mouth just running off about the whole fuckin' mess. "WHAT... THE... FUCKIN'... HELL... ARE... YOU... DOING?!?!" it said to my mouth. "Oh, hey there," said my mouth. "I was just talking about you know what. You don't mind, do you?" My brain attempted to beat the living shit out of my mouth at that point. It came out something like "daarrr... so where are we anyway?" My brain and my mouth are now mortal enemies. Quite frankly my mouth had it coming. He just kept drinking the alcohol despite the fact that it was causing so much damage to brain. I think they'll get over it.

The good news is that she apparently doesn't remember any of this. Things like this are exactly why alcohol is banned by so many major religions.

- Celes - said:
Hey Taoco,

Sorry to hear the life has become complicated, but you know... life... it happens. And even if this whole thing seemed like a big mistake, some beautiful things come out of it at least.

Great post.

Everyone needs to get hit in a head with a gold brick every now and again. But, I'm sorry that it hurt.

Know that more people know than you know. You can't find out until you reach out. It's horribly terrifying, painful, and yet wonderfully amazing.

But don't get me wrong. It's nice and cozy being safely aloof.

The Cowboy said:
Hey Celes, thanks.

Just to be clear on a couple of things, my little secret that I don't talk about has been officially rendered moot. It's no longer a source of pain. That's what she did for me (that's a good thing). I don't talk about it because, quite honestly, there's nothing about this story that makes me look good. We probably all have at least one story (or three) like that.

She's given me direction and a focus as well, and that's why the other crap no longer matters. I know this post came off kind of dark, but what's happened is really a good thing. It might get a bit uncomfortable along the way, but it'll all be good in the end. What happens from here on out is fair game, and will probably show up here as well. This blog just might get interesting....

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

How to make an ass of yourself without really trying

When I was 14, I met a girl. I know, you're already thinking "you were 14, that was just hormones", but I had several girlfriends back then. There was something different about her. It only lasted a couple of months, but when she broke up with me it messed me up for years. It's possible I never really completely got over that one. Even now, after a span of time measured in decades, I still think about her. Even now, when she's got children who are as old as we were when we met, I still think about her. She was a Virgo.

I try very hard to dismiss all of this astrology crap, but I've noticed a pattern evolving in my life. For the record my astrological sign is Libra. It's hard sometimes not to see something to it, because most people I've met who are also Libras tend to be a bit like me. And all of the women who have seriously messed me up since age 14 were Virgos. All of them. No exceptions. Rebecca in college, devastated me my freshman year: Virgo. Anita, possibly the most beautiful girl I've ever dated, over it in a couple of days: not a Virgo. Kate: Virgo. Michelle: Virgo. And then there's last night. We'll come back to that. Coincidence? Maybe. Or maybe there's something to it after all.

Let's be honest, It's absurdly illogical to think that the position of planets and stars in the sky has some kind of bearing on how my day will go today. Nearly as illogical as belief in this dude sitting somewhere "up there" watching over the day to day activities of each and every person on the planet. I'm not saying either are impossible, I've learned that nothing is impossible. However, it doesn't seem very likely, does it? However, it's less absurd to think that the season you were born in might have some effect on your personality. Still kind of silly, but slightly more plausible.

Superstition is everywhere. I'm in New York this week, and I just noticed not five minutes ago, the hotel I'm in has no 13th floor. I thought stories like that were a joke, but I'm quite serious. In the elevator there's a button for 12 and a button for 14. They're right next to each other. Coincidence? Maybe. So I asked the man at the counter "why is there no 13th floor?" His answer, after a slight grimace, was to say "the builders considered it unlucky. A lot of buildings here are like that." Uh huh.

So back to the title of the post. The short answer is drink an absurd amount of alcohol in front of people you work with, yell at the top of your lungs until you're hoarse, and do a lot of air guitar. It's happened before, and it very well will probably happen again. I have a self-destructive streak wide enough to be used as an overpass. If you put the gun in my hand, I'll probably pull the trigger. If you put a beer in front of me, I'll probably drink it, even if I've already had too much. And yes, that happened (the last part about the beer, that is).

I've gotten comments from many people today along the lines of "I heard you had a lot of fun last night". I did, I suppose, but that's not really the reputation I should be shooting for. Being a borderline alcoholic doesn't help one climb the corporate ladder. It's a little disturbing just how fast the news of my drunken escapades made the rounds at work, even here in New York where many of the fellow employees have no idea who the hell I am. Needless to say, productivity was down today.

Virgos. What the hell is it with Virgos? Virgos Virgos Virgos! Why am I drawn to a subset of people who inevitably destroy my soul? They don't mean to, I know that, but they do it all the same. I'm not going to go into any details about what happened for various reasons, but I will say that A) nothing (very) inappropriate happened and B) she managed to get herself stuck in my head. When a Virgo does that, it can take a long time for me to get them unstuck. That's the part that sucks, because even though I'm not doing anything wrong, it feels like I am. Guilt. My mother's gift to me.

One thing I can say in favor of my maturity, is that despite having the opportunity to get hammered again, I refrained and drank water tonight. Maybe it's not self-restraint as much as it is fear, since I seem to have done some rather serious damage to my digestive system yesterday. Hopefully it doesn't turn into on of those go-see-the-doctor-and-get-some-bad-news deals. Again, withholding the details, but this is mainly because they're kind of gross and I really think you would wish I hadn't told you if I actually did. I'm doing you a favor, you may begin thanking me ........ now.


Restored Comments

314159 said:
First, no I'm not jealous. Yes, Virgos are alluring. Especially this one... Maybe I'm a little jealous.. Her spirit is intoxicating. It pulls you and wraps your very existence with it's caring and warmth. If she were a star, you would be blinded by her radiance. If you can't tell, I would fall for her in a heart beat if I haven't already. You lucky bastard.
Ok, I am seriously jealous!!!

Dude, Hope you relieved some stress in NY.

But, hands off Cowboy. I'll let you have Tricia Helfer and Grace Park if you do.

The Cowboy said:
Actually no. I've created more stress for myself. That's what I do.
Also, that's exactly why I withheld details. There's nothing to be jealous of. Don't jump to any conclusions here because they'll be wrong. Nothing like that happened, at least, I don't think it did, but the details of the evening are a but fuzzy...

With my luck Tricia Helfer and Grace Park would both be Virgos.

- Celes - said:
Virgos, huh? Well, for me it's been Geminis- with very little variation. Don't know why...

Astrological thing aside, it does make sense that one falls for the same types over and over. And we inadvertently make the same blunders over and over without the least bit of control.

I don't know that I can give you any advice for unsticking, but I can empathize, Taco. Hang in there.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Doctor Who is back!

And it's about bloody time

Martha Jones is gone.  That's too bad, I really liked her.  She made an appearance on Torchwood for a couple of episodes, but disappointingly didn't stay, even when they killed Owen.  One can hope that was a preview of of things to come.

So it looks like the new companion is Donna Noble, who rode around with The Doctor for a bit when her wedding got interrupted by, if I recall correctly, evil robots.  She had an awesome way of putting The Doctor in his place.  Something you don't see too much... Plus I've got a serious thing for redheads...Open-mouthed

This season should be awesome. I borrowed this from Lisa 4.0.