The blasé I’ve been feeling lately seems to be total. A handful of events have happened over the past few days (a couple of them just today) that would have normally (normally being within the last year or so) have made me ecstatic and bubbly or emotionally devastated me. But they didn’t. It really is like just sort of watching a movie that I’m not emotionally invested in. It’s actually kind of cool, I’m just kind of taking everything as it happens. A mere decade ago this was something I was striving for. I believe the Taoism concept that embodies this is Wu Wei, but I could have those concepts mixed up these days. It’s basically the idea that lies at the heard of Taoism which translates into western philosophy as “go with the flow”. I’m kind of doing that over the past few days without even trying, it’s just happening.
I would best describe this as emotionally numb. The irony of this condition is that with the severe anxiety and depression I’ve been feeling over the past month and half or so, I was actually about to ask the doctor if there was medication that he could prescribe that did exactly this: made me feel nothing. Not nothing, that’s not quite accurate. Just numb my emotions. Make me more or less stoic. Numb the pain.
And all I had to do it was drop my depression medication. How’s that for irony?
I described this condition to a close friend, one who I can usually confide in, and she seemed to think this was a bad thing. I disagree. After the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on for months now, a quiet leisurely raft ride down a calm river is an incredible relief. I don’t think being emotionally numb is a bad thing for a while. I’m sure this isn’t permanent, but it’s a nice change for now. I feel so much calmer.
What prompted this post, though, is the fact that I sat down to do my evening twitter and/or blog rant, and I couldn’t work up enough irritation to rant about anything. Quite honestly, at the moment I just don’t fucking care. Politics, religion, the ex wife, none of it is really provoking an emotional response from me that I can translate into a good rant. It’s a little weird, but I’m going to roll with it. So, no rants tonight. Sorry guys.