Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Occasionally I wish there were a God

So I could flip the fucker off. 

It would be so easy.  Blame all of this shit on God.  Everything in my life that's going wrong, wrong job, wrong wife, God's fault.  Losing my son to the fringe fundamentalists; watching him heading down a path that will waste all the talent and brains he has until it's too late… so much like me… why would God do this to me?  To him?

Spent the best years of my life trying to be somebody I'm not.  Spent my few healthy years living somebody else's dream while my own slipped away… why God why?  Why would you let this happen to me? 

But alas, the answer is all too clear.  I did it to myself.  My rage and anger is properly placed on myself.  I saw the direction things were going at work over a year ago.  I did nothing.  I saw my wife's penchant for fringe fundamentalists over a decade ago when she involved me in a cult.  I let it go.  I saw the increasing insanity of her new fringe religion over a year ago, maybe more.  I've done nothing.  I objected to homeschooling five years ago but she did it anyway.  I let it happen. 

I've completely and utterly failed myself and my children.  The crushing weight of this guilt would be so easy to schluff off on an imaginary supernatural being who was supposed to watch out for me.

Oh how easy it would be to weasel out of my guilt that way.  I suppose that's the last of the God Virus in me, like that cough you have for a week or so after a bad cold.  I find myself wanting to blame somebody else for my own failures, and a God would be such an easy target.  After all, he wouldn't fight back now, would he?

So I sigh and resign myself to the fact if anybody is to blame, it's myself.  I take a deep breath and set about fixing all the things I've let fall to shit.  Here we go.


  1. Good Luck!

    if you've got enough power not to blame god, then (given you won't spend all that power on blaming yourself;) you'll cope

    and not to sound evangelistic but apart from sociological religious thing god can be the name for an act of faith, ideal embodiment of belief that new day will come, that you'll have enough space for your next step, and that finally you'll get proud and satisfied with that step.... and yes, not to get too caried away with those achievements, it's good to say "Thx, God!"

    so basically with putting blame aside it's just the same - not to be blind and make the same mistakes but not to be buried with guilt to the point when you can't act rationally and for the better... of some kind:) either


  2. Thanks for the comment. I should probably clarify a couple of things if they weren't readily apparent though.

    It's not that I have enough power to not blame god, it's that, as an atheist, it's not an option. The point was that I kind of wished I DID believe in God so I could blame him for all my woes, but I don't get to do that. I have to take responsibility for my part. There's no god testing me, there's no devil tempting me, and nobody here is possessed by demons.

    I can't really call anything else God, it got way too confusing when the deists did that. Einstein is still quoted in evangelical circles by people who had no idea what he actually believed. So when I say "God", I'm referring to a supernatural entity believed to be controlling the lives and destinies of everybody. And I don't buy into it.

    This is basically about a guy who's going through the same trials and tribulations that theists go through, but without the option to shluff responsibility for it onto an imaginary friend.

    That said, I appreciate what you're trying to say and recognize it's thoughtfulness.