I've been thinking, and that's a dangerous thing. I still like Henry Rollins for president, but perhaps there's somebody I trust to do the right thing even more than Henry. Who could it be?
Then the answer hit me like a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
Of course, why didn't I think of it before? I'm the one person on the planet I trust to do the right thing in office. Cowboy: President of the United States. Nice ring to it...
I hereby announce my candidacy for POTUS!
Here's a summary of my qualifications:
- I've never been convicted of a felony (convicted, mind you...)
- I've never had a DUI (that one-ups Dubya)
- I've never been involved in a sex and/or financial scandal as a perpetrator, but occasionally as a victim. (One ups Clinton)
- I'm smarter than George Bush FWIW.
- I have less experience than Barack Obama (remember, that's a good thing).
- I'm a white guy, but I'm not as white as John McCain.
- I'm not a creationist like Sarah Palin. Neither would my teenage daughter's baby daddy stand up on stage with me, as he wouldn't have any working legs in order to do so.
- I believe that freedom of religion means freedom to follow ANY religion, not just Christianity.
- I'm aware that there are more than two points of view when it comes to evolution. Science should be taught in schools. Creation theories should be taught in relevant religious temples. Debate solved.
As president, here is my first term agenda (in order):
- Withdraw all troops from Iraq immediately or even sooner.
- Send a few Navy Seal teams into the mountains where Bin Laden is believed to be hiding, kill the fucker, mount his head on the hood of my brand new $400,000 Maserati, drive around America, withdraw from Afghanistan.
- Hire T. Boone Pickens as Secretary of Energy.
- Hire Henry Rollins as Secretary of Defense.
- Hire Rory Blyth as Secretary of the Treasury.
- Hire Celes as Secretary of State
- Make Morgan Webb my Vice President. I know she's smart enough to do the job, but mainly I just want her to be around a lot. I'm pretty sure she won't shoot anybody in the ass either (video games notwithstanding).
- Hire Bill Clinton as Secretary of How To Get Away With Having Hotties in the White House.
- Banish George Bush to the Middle East.
- Energy Crisis: Get an energy plan that will work via Pickens. Kick the crap out of anybody that tries to put a rider on it, intimidate corrupt old politicians until they recant their evil ways and pass my bill.
- Health Care: Model health care after Europe, where it actually works. Change farm subsidies so that farmers are financially encouraged to grow fruits and vegetables. Make McDonalds illegal. Banish Hillary Clinton to Cuba.
- Abortion: I'm personally against abortion, not for any religions reasons, but because I believe a life is taken when one is performed. Instead, I plan to offer free Government Sponsored Surgical Sterilization to everybody with an I.Q. under 110 or from southern California. Said procedure will be mandatory under 95.
In the coming weeks, I will create a way that you can contribute to my campaign, as I know you already see the value in my Presidency. In the meantime, spread the word to everybody you know, and tell them to vote Cowboy in November. Good, yo!.
I'm the Cowboy and I approve this message