Wednesday, April 23, 2008

How to make an ass of yourself without really trying

When I was 14, I met a girl. I know, you're already thinking "you were 14, that was just hormones", but I had several girlfriends back then. There was something different about her. It only lasted a couple of months, but when she broke up with me it messed me up for years. It's possible I never really completely got over that one. Even now, after a span of time measured in decades, I still think about her. Even now, when she's got children who are as old as we were when we met, I still think about her. She was a Virgo.

I try very hard to dismiss all of this astrology crap, but I've noticed a pattern evolving in my life. For the record my astrological sign is Libra. It's hard sometimes not to see something to it, because most people I've met who are also Libras tend to be a bit like me. And all of the women who have seriously messed me up since age 14 were Virgos. All of them. No exceptions. Rebecca in college, devastated me my freshman year: Virgo. Anita, possibly the most beautiful girl I've ever dated, over it in a couple of days: not a Virgo. Kate: Virgo. Michelle: Virgo. And then there's last night. We'll come back to that. Coincidence? Maybe. Or maybe there's something to it after all.

Let's be honest, It's absurdly illogical to think that the position of planets and stars in the sky has some kind of bearing on how my day will go today. Nearly as illogical as belief in this dude sitting somewhere "up there" watching over the day to day activities of each and every person on the planet. I'm not saying either are impossible, I've learned that nothing is impossible. However, it doesn't seem very likely, does it? However, it's less absurd to think that the season you were born in might have some effect on your personality. Still kind of silly, but slightly more plausible.

Superstition is everywhere. I'm in New York this week, and I just noticed not five minutes ago, the hotel I'm in has no 13th floor. I thought stories like that were a joke, but I'm quite serious. In the elevator there's a button for 12 and a button for 14. They're right next to each other. Coincidence? Maybe. So I asked the man at the counter "why is there no 13th floor?" His answer, after a slight grimace, was to say "the builders considered it unlucky. A lot of buildings here are like that." Uh huh.

So back to the title of the post. The short answer is drink an absurd amount of alcohol in front of people you work with, yell at the top of your lungs until you're hoarse, and do a lot of air guitar. It's happened before, and it very well will probably happen again. I have a self-destructive streak wide enough to be used as an overpass. If you put the gun in my hand, I'll probably pull the trigger. If you put a beer in front of me, I'll probably drink it, even if I've already had too much. And yes, that happened (the last part about the beer, that is).

I've gotten comments from many people today along the lines of "I heard you had a lot of fun last night". I did, I suppose, but that's not really the reputation I should be shooting for. Being a borderline alcoholic doesn't help one climb the corporate ladder. It's a little disturbing just how fast the news of my drunken escapades made the rounds at work, even here in New York where many of the fellow employees have no idea who the hell I am. Needless to say, productivity was down today.

Virgos. What the hell is it with Virgos? Virgos Virgos Virgos! Why am I drawn to a subset of people who inevitably destroy my soul? They don't mean to, I know that, but they do it all the same. I'm not going to go into any details about what happened for various reasons, but I will say that A) nothing (very) inappropriate happened and B) she managed to get herself stuck in my head. When a Virgo does that, it can take a long time for me to get them unstuck. That's the part that sucks, because even though I'm not doing anything wrong, it feels like I am. Guilt. My mother's gift to me.

One thing I can say in favor of my maturity, is that despite having the opportunity to get hammered again, I refrained and drank water tonight. Maybe it's not self-restraint as much as it is fear, since I seem to have done some rather serious damage to my digestive system yesterday. Hopefully it doesn't turn into on of those go-see-the-doctor-and-get-some-bad-news deals. Again, withholding the details, but this is mainly because they're kind of gross and I really think you would wish I hadn't told you if I actually did. I'm doing you a favor, you may begin thanking me ........ now.


Restored Comments

314159 said:
First, no I'm not jealous. Yes, Virgos are alluring. Especially this one... Maybe I'm a little jealous.. Her spirit is intoxicating. It pulls you and wraps your very existence with it's caring and warmth. If she were a star, you would be blinded by her radiance. If you can't tell, I would fall for her in a heart beat if I haven't already. You lucky bastard.
Ok, I am seriously jealous!!!

Dude, Hope you relieved some stress in NY.

But, hands off Cowboy. I'll let you have Tricia Helfer and Grace Park if you do.

The Cowboy said:
Actually no. I've created more stress for myself. That's what I do.
Also, that's exactly why I withheld details. There's nothing to be jealous of. Don't jump to any conclusions here because they'll be wrong. Nothing like that happened, at least, I don't think it did, but the details of the evening are a but fuzzy...

With my luck Tricia Helfer and Grace Park would both be Virgos.

- Celes - said:
Virgos, huh? Well, for me it's been Geminis- with very little variation. Don't know why...

Astrological thing aside, it does make sense that one falls for the same types over and over. And we inadvertently make the same blunders over and over without the least bit of control.

I don't know that I can give you any advice for unsticking, but I can empathize, Taco. Hang in there.

No comments:

Post a Comment