You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!

Okay, I'm apparently not very good at satire.  My last post contained a bit of satire combined with a bit of truth.  Here's how to sort them out:

1. Please don't send me your twenties.  It was a satire on Internet scams inspired by Rory's post.  I didn't post a mailing address on purpose (duh!).  If you ask me for one I will first laugh, then, as I slowly realize that you're not joking, I will begin to cry softly.  When my wife asks me why I'm crying, I'll have to reply "The world has gone insane.   I'm going to build it a little house to keep it safe."  Then I'll build a small shack inside out, and quietly stand guard "outside" to make sure none of the patients escape.

2. The dollar bill didn't really shrink.  It wasn't even my dollar bill.  I shrank the picture myself with Paint.NET.  It's a great program, and it's free.  Download it, then donate to the cause.  However, it was meant to point out that during the last administration we've A) gone to two wars from which we "can't" get out. B) Gotten way too many of our young men and women killed for a war that never had anything to do with 9/11.  C) Watched oil companies make record profits.  D) Watched our budgets shrink as gas prices have tripled, with a ripple effect to almost everything else.  The dollar does not go nearly as far as it used to even eight years ago.  I'm not trying to lay out a conspiracy theory here, I'm pointing out that our government has made poor choices, refused to admit that they were poor choices, and refused to try to fix the messes that they've created.  We've lost nearly 4,000 soldiers in Iraq.  Are we safer because of that?

3. I really do think Henry Rollins would be a good president.  Better than anybody else currently running.  I really am tired of the Bushes and the Clintons.  I really do think that we won't find a good candidate in Washington D.C.  Douglas Adams once said something to the effect that anybody who wants to be a politician is by their very nature the worst choice for a political leader.  I think he's right.  Is Henry the answer?  Maybe, maybe not, but either way we need a change.

4. The digg this links were because of the Henry Rollins content.  I tried clicking on them myself and couldn't get it to work.  I don't think it's the plugin's fault.  I tried doing it through the digg site and it didn't work either.  Ah well, I didn't really think the Rollins for President movement was going to take off anyway, but it was fun to try.

5. Yes, the inside out house was from Douglas Adams as well.

Rory, I hope I'm trustworthy again.  I've learned my lesson.

Everybody else: Satire is BAD BAD BAD!

If you'll excuse me, I've got six hours of Tin Man to veg out to.

More Henry

I couldn't leave it alone. I found this and had to put it up. This is a letter from Henry to Ann Coulter. Every reason I want this man for our next president is summed up right here. After watching this, you too will be unable to deny that we could have no better president.

I'm sending the same letter. Booyah!

Conspiracies and the next President of the United States

Rory has just opened my eyes to a terrible conspiracy! Yes it's true, there is a government conspiracy regarding the twenty dollar bill. I wasted no time in trying to help people.

I can help you!

Your twenties are no longer safe! You must get rid of them now! Can you burn them? No. There's a secret sensor inside them that can detect when you're trying to destroy them. You'll have SWAT teams bashing in your windows before you've even got the fire going. Don't burn them! Your only option is to...

SEND THEM TO ME!

Yes, that's the only way you can be sure. Send all of your twenties to me, for I've unlocked the secret of how to disable the sensor and can safely destroy your twenties. I would post the information here, but that would alert the PRIVACYINVADER 3000 server and then I'd have the SWAT teams bashing in my windows. You have to send them to me now, it's the only way!

On a related note: I've been running a little experiment. I took a dollar bill from around the beginning of the current administration. Here it is before:

Last week I checked on it to see how it was doing, and here's what I found:

That's right, people: It shrank. Check for yourself: Go to your local gas station and put $5 of gas in your car. See how far it gets you. How far did it get you eight years ago?

You're probably thinking "It's the Republicans!" but you're wrong. A Democrat won't fix this either. There's only one answer to what's ailing this country. There's only one way to put our country back on the right path.

It's not another Bush.

It's not another Clinton.

It's not any of the D.C. regulars who want you to believe they're different. They're not. You could vote for them, but the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result. We keep voting for the same people (note: 20 years of Bushes and Clintons) and things never change. It's time for real change.

This election, my vote goes to Henry Rollins.

It's a political message, really!

Vote for Henry Rollins. Tell your friends to vote for Henry! Tell your mom! Get everybody you can to vote Rollins next fall! He needs your support!

This message was not paid for nor endorsed by Henry Rollins.

I'm The Cowboy and I approve this message.

Links and Smileys

As I said last time, coming up with topics for posts seems to be getting harder. I think I'm hitting a creative slump right now, as even coding or composing in my spare time fails to interest me lately. Might be time to ask the doc for more wellbutrin.

Honestly, I only have two reasons for this post: one is to brag about the fact the I got a link from Rory Blyth. Thanks, Rory. I'm assuming that means you occasionally peek over this way. That's cool, 'cause I deleted all the mean things I said about you just in case that happened.

The truth is I occasionally up a link (like the one three sentences ago) just in case anybody happens to read any of this and wants to know just who the hell this Rory bloke is anyway. I'm not really trying to drive any traffic his way, because I'm pretty sure I don't have any traffic to drive.

All that's to say, I'm not sure what the etiquette is here. I posted a comment thanking him (I hope he understands German), and then wondered if that means I'm suddenly going to have a lot of traffic here and if that's really a good thing. I suppose it is if I'm ever going to get Henry Rollins in the White House. As I blog I discover things about myself. I originally intended to blog a mixture of programming topics interspersed with occasional attempts at humor. What ended up happening is that I find that I tend to rant quite a bit, so the things I rant about during the day have a way of finding their way here. It's not intentional, I don't encourage them to do that, they just do. Anyway, I'm not sure how all this linking and trackback sortof stuff works. If somebody could point me in the right direction so I don't make a complete ass of myself, it would be greatly appreciated.

The second thing is, I just downloaded some seriously cool plugins for Windows Live Writer, so I had to try them out. If you're looking for meaningful content, there's none past this point.

This is the "Insert a smiley!" plugin:

Code Monkey: <-Me!

The obligatory dancing banana:

This is the "Insert a code snippet" plugin. I got this one just in case I actually put up any tech posts. Here's hello world in C#:

   1: using System;

   2: class MyClass 

   3: {

   4:     static void Main() 

   5:     {

   6:         Console.WriteLine("Hello World!");

   7:     }

   8: } 

That's just freakin cool.

Here's the Digg This plugin:

I'm gonna use this on the next Henry Rollins post.

I've got a few more, Insert from Visual Studio, which isn't quite as cool as the code snippet one. Insert Silverlight Streaming Application, which I would use if I had one to stream (it's on my todo list), and an amazon link, I thought that might be cool but apparently you need an Affiliate number. I'll have to find out how to get one of those...

That's it! done playing.

You're so far over the line... the line's a dot to you!

Bonus points if you can identify the quote.  The more I blog the more I realize what's really hard about maintaining a blog: deciding what the hell to write about. 

A lot of topics have been running through my head.  This is the danger of drinking coffee at night: your head starts working fast, but not necessarily the way it's supposed to.

Topics I've considered for this post were:

• Jeff Atwood has managed to stir up a bit of controversy regarding the 80/20 division of programmers.  I'm not sure what all the fuss is about.
• He also, in a follow-up post, divided programmers into three groups: Mort, Elvis, and Einstein.  I'm somewhere between Elvis and Einstein, because I've got the powerful intellect of Einstein with the unflappable cool of Elvis.  No?
• The foul odor that just accosted me when I opened the fridge.  WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL ANYWAY?
• The shelf life of un-refrigerated pizza.  I hope it's long, because if not I'm in for a rough night.
• Why the hell my bullet points look like flowers in Windows Live Writer.  Will they still look like flowers when I post?  That's gonna have to go.
• Exactly how Luke became a full fledged Jedi with what could only have been a few days of training when the other Jedis had to study for years (see Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back).  This is the danger of being a Star Wars geek and watching them all in chronological order over six nights.  I would've done them all in one day if I could have.  Still doubt my geekiness?
• The fact that I just applied for two completely separate dream jobs, and might actually have a chance at getting an interview. 

But I think what I'll talk about is how dangerous it is to have me for a dad. 

My six year old is about to turn seven.  He's entering that age when potty humor is sublime entertainment.  The other night we all sat down to a nice chili dinner.  My wife, trying to please myself and my oldest son, made the chili a bit spicier than normal.  My poor youngest couldn't eat it, but my oldest and I pretty much snarfed it.  Afterward, and I don't really remember how we got there, but the discussion of beans and their rather dramatic effect on the human digestive system became a topic of conversation.  I proceeded to illustrate a scenario in which I could save money on gasoline by strapping a pair of roller skates on my feet and a lit match to my butt.  The ensuing propulsion would surely get me to work in record time. 

The poor kid almost suffocated from uncontrolled laughter.  I was quite graphic about it and included sound effects.  I know all kids go through the potty humor stage, but are parents supposed to encourage it?  The problem is, I'm pretty sure with me as a father this poor boy stands no chance of leading a normal life at all. 

My brain, always racing ahead, immediately painted a picture for me of a future holiday dinner with friends and family, whereupon my son stands up and re-enacts the whole spiel.  Then he proudly turns to me and says "My dad told me that."  I don't think the human face is capable of looking sheepish enough to get out of that one, but you know it's going to happen.

What do you think?  Encourage crude behavior in children for the laugh factor or always be the "Serious" parent?

Windows PowerShell

So I've recently discovered Windows PowerShell. The concept is super cool: It's basically DOS on acid. Instead of the little commands that do string output and/or integer return values, the entire concept is based around .NET. Everything returns a .NET object and they can be strung together so that the input to one is the output object from another cmdlet (pronounced Command-Let). You can, of course write your own. This is exactly what I'm dying to do. I just have one problem: I can't think of one to write. Any ideas?

Anybody?

Buehler?

-------------------------------------------

Restored comments:

Anonymous said

> DOS on acid. I like that - I'm going to use that one.

RE: What cmdlet to write.
When you run into something you want to do that you can't - you'll know what cmdlet to write.

Jeffrey Snover [MSFT]
Windows Management Partner Architect
Visit the Windows PowerShell Team blog at: http://blogs.msdn.com/PowerShell
Visit the Windows PowerShell ScriptCenter at: http://www.microsoft.com/technet/scriptcenter/hubs/msh.mspx

Reflections on DevConnections part IV: Leaving Las Vegas

I’m actually writing this before the previous post. Sorry for the discontinuity. It shouldn’t matter too much since these will all be posted after I get back to Kansas City anyway. Still no fucking Internet. And don’t even get me started on fucking Sprint.

Las Vegas has a way of eating you up and spitting you out. The Strip does anyway. The tourists all go to the strip, the locals avoid it. Las Vegas is kind of a nice town once you get away from the strip. This is my second stay in Las Vegas and I’m noticing a pattern. There’s excitement and promise as you arrive, but disappointment and slight depression as you leave, since none of those promises were fulfilled. Perhaps it’s not like that for the rich, but for those of us that are less than wealthy, it’s sortof harsh.

There are reasons that you don’t do the things you know you’re not supposed to do. Sometimes it’s hard to see until you’ve crossed that line. That’s all I’m saying about that.  Don't ask.

Reflections on DevConnections part III: Dude where's my Internet connection?!

Note: This was written while I was still at DevConnections.  It's a bit dated now.

This is fucking ridiculous. I haven’t been able to connect to the Internet for two weeks now. I have no access to any sources. Do you have any idea how many sessions end with “there will be more information on my blog” or “check out these resources” and I’m like “I’d fucking love to, but I can’t get on the Internet dammit!” How freaking hard can it be? Time Fucking Warner can’t hook up Internet at my house for a freaking week and a half and when they finally do, I’m in Las Vegas where Internet connections cost $500 and the supposed free one at DevConnections doesn’t seem to work. I’ve been trying since Monday. I have to assume it’s not a temporary glitch. AAARRRGGG!!!

Reflections on DevConnections Part II -- All that damn walking

Las Vegas is big. Rather, everything in it is big. Rather, the hotels are big. We’ve been touring around checking things out, and you have to literally walk for miles. It’s that or a cab, and cabs are frikkin expensive here. There’s a few trams, but even that’s a little flawed. I was limping by Tuesday. I’m not as young as I used to be.

My sister lives in Las Vegas. I went to meet her at the Bellagio one evening. On foot, it went about like this: Walked about ¼ mile within the hotel to the tram. Took the tram to Excalibur. The free tram stops there. Walked to MGM Grand, where the not-free tram starts. There’s a big sign over the walkway that says “Monorail Entrance”. That’s a little misleading because you have to walk what must have literally been a mile to the back of the hotel (it winds around) to get to the monorail. I bought my $9 ticket thinking “the walking is finally over.” Not. “Access to the Bellagio” was the very next stop, the Bally. Walked through the Bally, and walked, and walked. The monorail goes to the back of the hotel. Did I mention they’re big? Finally thought I found a shortcut and went out of the Bally. That exit took me to a rather unused side street. Walking along that was interesting. Chalk up another ¼ mile. Walked past the crazy looking dude getting arrested, finally got back to the strip. At this point I could’ve just walked the street and it would have been faster. But it still would have been couple of miles, I’m sure. Across the street to the Bellagio and another ½ mile through the hotel. I damn near can’t walk.

A friend of mine who came with our group hurt his foot on Monday, and all the walking aggravated it till he couldn’t walk. He got a scooter. At least I haven’t gotten that bad.

Today’s Wednesday, and we leave tomorrow. My brain is full. I'll blog some of the cool stuff I learned there later, but today I met Carl Franklin of Dot Net Rocks. Well, I shook his hand and said “love the show” anyway. I’ll bet he’s never heard that before. Way to make an impression, man! The career at Microsoft is in the bag for sure, now.  I overheard Richard Campbell talking about how weird it was to have people following him into the bathroom.  I decided not to ask for autographs.

I have gotten to hear many of the well known speakers that I’ve read and/or listened to on Dot Net Rocks. It’s been pretty cool. The only thing missing? Rory Blyth. He’s left Microsoft and apparently technology in general. Bummer. But I still read his blog. He’s a fascinating guy with great taste in television. And I certainly can’t fault him for his minor obsession with Jolene Blalock and Gigi Edgly. I’d lick her too, man.  Rory, if you read this, two things:

1) Milla Jovovich

2) Kristanna Lokan

Take a drink, you're gonna need it.

Reflections on DevConnections Part I – Booth Babes

I haven’t posted in a while, and there’s a reason for this. The last week of October was moving week. I signed my name so many times I’m now on the list of candidates for a bionic right arm. Move over Steve Austin. A fun side effect of moving is a complete lack of an Internet connection. Thank you Time Fucking Warner Cable. Who the fuck takes a week and a half to set up a cable/Internet connection? You guys were out in like two days when I signed up the first time. I guess that’s just for New customers. Fuckers.

The second thing occupying my time is that I went to DevConnections in Las Vegas that very weekend. Again, no fucking Internet connection. So I decided to write a few posts anyway and post them whenever I get back and Time Fucking Warner gets off their lazy asses and gives me back my connection I paying for. Fuckers.

There’s so much going on here I thought I’d break it up into a few posts on different topics that occur to me as I’m here, so here’s Reflections on DevConnections Part I: Booth Babes.

This is my first big convention, so booth babes are a new thing to me. They work, and they work well. My personal favorite is the Windows Mobile sales girls that were stationed by the escalators, especially the dark haired one. I didn’t catch their names, so I’ll call her Mary. Mary is an expert flirt. She engages you in conversation, looks you right in the eyes, and then moves just a little closer to you, just slightly closer than Casual Acquaintance Laws allow. That was so “I’m about to kiss you” distance. As a socially stunted geek my first impulse was to back away. I managed to suppress that so that I could enjoy the proximity just a little longer. Microsoft sooo has my contact information for sales purposes now. They’re good.

At some level I know that it’s all fantasy and there’s no attraction there (at least on her part), but I choose to ignore that at the conscious level. At least enough that I keep thinking about her but not so much that I engage in any activities that might be considered stalking.

Mary can’t possibly exist. She’s one of those women that are too perfect, too hot to actually exist. Nature just simply doesn’t allow it. Long flowing brown hair, beautiful face, perfect body, about 5’4” and slightly dark skin. She makes a business suit look good.

My second favorite was a shorter girl who worked at the Live Office booth. She got just a little too friendly on Monday evening after (I assume) she’d imbibed more than a vendor probably should have. I like friendly women.

Whoever thought up Booth Babes is a genius. It so works, especially at a convention populated by mostly software geeks. It’s always nice to be reminded of just how much I’m still controlled by my testosterone, and just how adept women are at manipulating that. Too bad it never works the other way around.